What it’s Like to Die

(Shadow integration = Poetry Night)

What it’s Like to Dieblack and white flower and woman

I shut my eyes to see the room inside my head

where I collect fragile things:

One dried flower

a doll hung by the neck

And four vacant walls that whisper names of those I tucked deep into shadow.

It’s like a cemetery for the breathless forms that turn water to ice.

In the corner of a vacant window a spider web reaches forward

with one lonely thread, as if to rescue me by silk.

I scrape the red off a rose to make blood between my thighs

so I can feel what it’s like

to die.

Empowering the Sacral Chakra Online Class (Women Only)

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In this LIVE, online class FOR WOMEN, we will be focusing on clearing, healing, and releasing the creative/sexual energy in the 2nd chakra.

Almost every women I interact with in my intuitive work have blockages/trauma in their Sacral Chakra. The social and chakra magicreligious conditioning throughout history has done untold damage not only to female sexuality, but to our experience with the physical world around us.

We’ve been told that to take care of ourselves, to have desires, or to enjoy life (or the “flesh”) is to be selfish or unspiritual. We’ve been told our sexuality is dangerous.

Most of us carry untold amounts  guilt and shame when it comes to allowing ourselves to enjoy our senses and our physical bodies. We’ve been taught there are “spiritual” ways to live (which usually involve abstaining from anything “pleasurable”) and that there are “fleshly” (or sinful) ways of experiencing the world (typically anything involving desire).

This class is going to flip that concept on its head. We will focus on transmuting the negative energy in our sacral chakras to a divine experience of our lives as we interact with the pleasures of the physical dimension.

We are meant to enjoy the physical world. All of it.

It is through the energy of our sacral chakras that we bring heaven to earth.

Sexual energy is one of the most powerful, misunderstood, magical energies a woman possesses, and because of social programming /fear of female power, it has been completely misused/abused by the society (for centuries!).

There was a time when women would study in Priestess houses together — perfecting their sexual art and studying the deeper mysteries/magic of feminine energy, the art of seduction, and how to use those powerful energies to bring people into alignment with their God Self. History, of course, makes it appear that these sacred temples were merely brothels (and unfortunately, as society turned away from Spiritual Wisdom they became that), but the essence — the true meaning of those mysteries is still within us.

I’ve been healing/experimenting with this on my own for the past couple years, and I’ve had some PROFOUND/POWERFUL/HEALING/MAGICAL revelations and experiences. There is nothing quite like feeling empowered as a woman (especially with sexual energy) and learning how to keep it in balance, but not feeling shame about who and what we are.

This class is about understanding/experimenting with our female sexual energy (through energy work/manifestation/creative outlets) and being able to connect with other women about the process.

There is nothing less spiritual about the physical senses than our extrasensory ones. Allow yourself to enjoy both! Live with passion! That is truly how we will bring heaven on earth.

In the class we will focus on:

*Deleting shame/guilt programs stored in our Sacral Chakra

*Acknowledging and soothing sexual trauma

*Ignite our passions/dreams/desires

*Using Sexual energy to upgrade and activate our Higher dimensional awareness

*How to move our passions into a 3rd dimensional experience (without guilt!)

*Transmuting negative energy in the sacral chakra to a more positive flow/experience with the world

*Exploring sacred sex practices (energy work with the sacral chakra)

TO REGISTER for the class, fill out the form below and complete your purchase through Paypal. I will open a private kyanite stoneFacebook group for anyone who registers so we can share our experiences with the process and support one another. We need our sisterhood allies!

*Please make sure to register with the email you have associated to Facebook so I can add you to the forum

Class starts April 22nd and goes until  May 22nd. All who pre-register will receive a free orange kyanite stone necklace (a powerful sacral chakra healer/activator stone) and an online workbook on healing and empowering the sacral chakra.

$44

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Exclusive Remembership

Every time I tried to type “membership,” my computer auto-corrected to “remembership” — which makes no sense and therefore I knew it was the Universe’s (not so subtle) way of naming this group. Yes! We are REMEMBERING who and what we really are.

The Remembership Group is for those who want to go deep/have more fun with all these esoteric topics I’ve toucheduniverse love on, but haven’t really dived deep with (on a public platform, anyway).

Rather than continuing to offer classes in the $22 – $33 range, I decided to do a class every month, as part of the Remembership Group, covering topics such as :

*Elementals

*Intuitive Magic

*Shapeshifting

*Energy work/Conscious Manifestation

*Archetypes/symbolism/Tarot and the Subconscious Collective

and more…

The Rememberships Group is $11 a month and includes the class, a book group, special offers, weekly meditations, and access to the Private Facebook group to connect with others who are interested in intuitive magic.

We start our first adventure this month (March 11th) with a course on the Elemental Realm.

Working with “The Fairy Bible” I will cover subtle energy fields, the Alchemist Elves, elemental archetypes, and how the purple treeelemental realm is connected to the human collective subconscious.

All of the information I share is from my own personal experience working with the elemental realm (both as a writer and an intuitive).

Here is a list for the next 6 months of classes:

March 11th: Elemental Magic (working with fairies, elves, djinns, and other magical archetypes)

April 11th: Intuitive Magic (personalized, everyday magic)

May 11th: The Art of Shapeshifting

June 11: Food Magic

July 11: Reality Jumping (the art of consciously shifting paradigms)

Sign-up for the Remembership subscription ($11 a month) below:

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Or purchase all 6 months for only $44 (a $22 savings!)

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So excited for all of you who have already signed-up. Looking forward to connecting!

Magic is in the air.

I feel that what’s to happen, all happened before….

Go Home, Get Triggered, Write a Poem.

Yes. That’s what happens when I go home, I get triggered.

I think everyone can relate — especially if you’re an empath or highly sensitive. “Home” is like walking into the middle of a landmine. No bueno.

I knew when I planned this trip it was going to be a test. A test of how well I can remember who I am.

Before going I had more than one dream of floating on top of Utah lake, one of the main landmarks of Utah county. Utah lake3Beautiful to behold from a distance, but a cesspool of mercury laden fish and dead bodies — literally.

At the boat dock, warning signs assault any lingering serenity, advising would-be fishers not to eat more than a half a pound of fish from the lake in a YEAR.

Delish.

In my dreams, Utah lake is like the consciousness of the State — sparkling from the outside, full of poison within. And I know I come from here. It is apart of me.

A hard dream to swallow.

I must make friends with this place. Love it, like the shadowy places inside me– for they know not what they do.

Sometimes it works. Glorious moments occur where I shift into a new reality, and all is well. Utah is the home I always wanted — welcoming me with her majestic mountains. Smiling on me with her glorious sun.

But bliss is short lived and I wake to see the inversion settling in, filling my lungs with death.

Maybe it’s meant to always be a reminder of the contrast I come from — the stark memories of the life I don’t prefer, so I can go off into the horizon with renewed desire to create something new.

For some reason this trip home was the hardest one so far, and yet, the most freeing.

This poem emerged as an after thought. I highly recommend creating from melancholy — it leaves quite a ghostly whisper:

Home

At home her tall steeples frown down on me Utah topaz Mountain
as I reach for the sky where her finger points.
Her mountains shield fears
behind walls of trapped tears,
her air turns my lungs black.

A barren land – my milk-less mother
too weak to eat the metal fish in her pond.
With naked eyes I remove her blindfold.
Where Nothing Is
Everything is Hidden.

11 Days of Conscious Creation

The 11 Days of Conscious Creation (through audio meditations) starts on Feb. 11th! Everyone who pre-registers for the “Creating with Emotions” online class will automatically be registered for these meditations. Each day you will receive an email with an audio meditation or exercise, focused around activating the emotional body and conscious creation.

Here is a list of the daily topics:

  • Activating the Emotional Body: Turning on Our Power Suitsmeditation lotus flower
  • Shifting Reality: Using the Power of Imagination to See What Could Not be Seen in the Current Reality
  • Feeling Vibrations:Turning the Channel on the Emotion Body
  • Feeling Vibrational Boarders: Using Trigger Points to Ignite Creation
  • Receiving the Moment: Seeing the Multiple Probabilities of NOW
  • Creating from the Heart: Moving Consciousness into the Heartspace
  • Perfect Power: Love and its Creative Force
  • Activating the Sacral Chakra: Connecting the Heart and Sacral Chakra to Create with Power
  • The Power of Sight: Connecting the Heart and the 3rd Eye
  • The Second Heart: Activating the Heart of the Etheric Body
  • Focus: The Power of Fine-Tuned Awareness and Consciously Directed Thought

I’m doing a bit of an experiment with these meditations. I want to see how many people we can get to participate in the meditations and the class. If you know anything about the Hundredth Monkey Effect, it proves that as more and more of us figure something out (in this case, realize our power/freedom) that knowledge is downloaded into the human consciousness field and people begin to simply “get it” in larger and larger numbers. As the codes are activated and utilized in the human consciousness grid, it gets easier for ALL OF US.

I am passionate about freedom, and believe as we heal our emotional bodies and then use our emotions to consciously get FREE, it is the most powerful thing we can do for humanity. It doesn’t mean we will never struggle, but it is an important step in understanding we are not powerless to our struggles.

So for my own study/learning, I want to see what happens in my corner of the world as we co-create together. My intention is to have at least 33 people take this class/do the audio meditations (as 33 is a powerful Master number) and I believe there is power in numbers.

Spread the word (if you feel inspired to do so).

If you want to do the 11 Days of Conscious Creation without the class, you can purchase the meditations below for $11:

$11

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You Didn’t Fail, You Expanded

There really is an art to surrender.

Fighting against every emotion, being “on top” on my vibration, trying to be intentional and conscious about every little thinguniverse love I do — well — it can sometimes take the joy out of LIVING. Didn’t we come here to be HUMAN? Why would we leave our place of Oneness — our knowing of All Things, to come into a human experience and deny ourselves the experience/blessing of being a singular person with an ego and identity and flaws? We will never learn real love by having an attitude of intolerance towards our learning process.

Living on purpose and with awareness is important (of course) but I feel so many of us feel like if we know we create our reality and anything exists in our experience that does not feel like BLISS, we somehow failed as creators. But we would never be able to create anything at all if we didn’t first experience creating what we don’t want.

We came here to fail and succeed, because in this reality, you can’t have one without the other — it’s the nature (and brilliance) of a dualistic world. The trick is to not see anything you do as a failure, but simply as an experience that teaches us all more about ourselves, and helps us further our expansion. It is only our judgement/beliefs about any experience or situation that gives it a negative or positive feeling — not the experience itself. Drop the judgment.

I am beginning to understand that the key to happiness in this life is not being perfectly in alignment all of the time (or even emotions590% or 70% of the time), but to love and embrace every experience/emotion/creation along the way. LOVE THE PROCESS. LOVE THE JOURNEY. SURRENDER TO LIFE. Give yourself grace. Surrender to the experience (which means failing, messing up, trying too hard, feeling small and insignificant — all of it). You came here to give yourself the perspective of separation just as much as you wanted to understand more fully what Oneness is. We wanted to learn to appreciate all of what we are — not just the aspects that feel acceptable.

So if you are feeling like you failed, you’re too weak, or you just can’t get it right — let yourself off the hook. You are PERFECTLY where you are, and that is always enough. Accept and surrender, and the flow of life will take you to your next level of expansion.

Sending appreciation for all of you today! Thank you for being courageous enough to be HUMAN! What miracles we are!

PS. This interview with intuitive empath Sonia Choquette SO resonated with me because she offers a loving voice to the benefit of failure and points out how we often bypass our humanity (especially in the spiritual community) because we feel we must be perfect. So real and authentic!

The Journey Home: How Pain Can Lead to Power

Sometimes I forget I matter. noseparation

I forget my emotions are my friends (not my enemies).

I forget contrast is here to serve me (not master me).

I forget I am worthy of love.

Coming “home” is where I typically pick up all of my old insecurities:

I’m not good enough, it would seem. I’m unworthy of truly being free.

My first response to is beat myself up. WHY?! Why in the name of all that is holy would I choose to come back to the place I feel the worst about myself? Haven’t I learned my lesson? Why would I do this to my emotional body?!

If I follow that line of thought, the only conclusion I come to is that I am powerless over my emotions and I will always be stuck here – rooted in trauma and fear.

But I know being “stuck” is impossible in a world of constant growth and expansion.

So I press on, guiding my focus toward a stream of thought that feels better to think.

Although feeling powerless shifts responsibility away for a bit (how I feel is caused by THIS PLACE – not me), the truth is, I know better. I know the feelings come from within. I know my thoughts are the ones in control here, not this geographic location. “Home” is a hologram built on my experiences and beliefs.hurt-heart

And I begin to regain power.

Oh yes. That’s right. I get to choose what to think about – where to direct my focus. What do I want to think? What will feel better than these thoughts of powerlessness?

I need to know I have my best interest at heart. I have to know God loves me enough not to abandon me in these feelings of unworthiness. I want to remember the way the Universe allows me to continually revisit deep places of conflict to give me the opportunity to heal further, to accept, love, and understand myself with more clarity. I want to develop more compassion and an unconditional presence to my emotions.

Yes. That’s it. That’s why I’m here. I needed to show up for myself – especially in these places that feel the most unacceptable.

Okay. These thoughts feel better. I feel my vibration shift. I feel more empowered. I feel more taken care of. I feel more seen and heard and loved.

Maybe I’m not abandoned.

So here I am – the genesis of my trauma. I loved myself enough to come back here, right? What do I want out of this experience? What do I need? How do I want to feel?

Perhaps I simply need to be reminded I am not alone. I Am here. God is here. Purpose is here, in this place. This is a loving place to be – a loving thing to do to myself. I need this reminder. I need to know this part of me matters.Rumi poem

I chose to come “home” because I wanted to show myself I care enough to strengthen the places within me that need the most unconditional love.

I chose to revisit old wounds because they asked me to bear witness to their presence – they begged not to be abandoned in the past. And I love myself enough to show up.

I am thankful I have the courage to come home. I need this part of myself for the journey.

Oh yes. I remember now. I almost forgot about the journey – the moments of love and soothing presence offered along the way. The peace found in the storms – the halleluiah chorus along the way reminding me why I chose to come into this life in the first place. This knowing is the reason – this space between pain and beauty – the place of surrender and acceptance of all things, especially the hurt.

Now I can say I am truly thankful (and mean it) for this spot on the earth called “home.” I have not failed here – this is where I had my greatest success. Here I chose to live and hurt – to love and lose and bleed and desire. This is the place I am continually led to for renewal of hope. And God meets me here, in my “weakness.” This place is where I find my greatest strength.

Here I am free.

Monday’s Magic: The Alchemy of Turning Conflict into Peace

When conflict arises between us and another person, we typically focus on them as the source of our emotions5pain/discomfort/triggers (they hurt me – they are the reason I feel the way I do). The intensity of our negative focus on their behavior not only disempowers us, it causes us to attract more of their negative behavior into our experience.

Conflict causes people to feel defensive and hurt, and the usual course of action is to try to convince the other person they are wrong and get them to soothe our discomfort. We believe if we can change how the other person behaves/thinks/understands the situation, then we will feel better. We need them to see and validate our pain in order for our emotions to feel justified.

It never works.

You can’t change your hairstyle by reaching toward the mirror with your brush. The reflection changes when you change.

Validation and self-soothing can ONLY ever come from ourselves (if we want true and lasting healing). Yet, when we feel hurt (or misunderstood) it is easy to make the other person and their behavior the object of our attention. Our energy is drained in the process and we are left feeling powerless to take care of our own needs.

Similarly, when others feel hurt by us, we easily feel their intense focus on our behavior, which usually causes us to do everything we can think of to make them feel better (rather than take care of how we feel). We think if we can convince them we didn’t mean to hurt them, or try to appease them by apologizing profusely, or jumping through whatever hoops they need us to in order to feel better – we will ease the discomfort we feel about their suffering.

It never helps.

In fact, often our attention toward making others feel better makes everything worse. When someone is triggered, any energy movementattempt to make them feel better is filtered through their trigger, which often only sets off more triggers. After doing everything in our power to make them feel better, we resent the fact that our actions only seemed to give them more ammunition against us.

For true healing to take place, we must give up our obsession with fixing the other person’s pain – only THEY can do that. All we can do is tend to our emotions and focus toward relief.

Ask yourself first and foremost, how you feel and what YOU need. Don’t try to tend to the other person’s needs when you haven’t first accessed your own.

Do you feel hurt by their accusations against you? Do you feel guilty about perhaps speaking out of line or saying something you didn’t mean? Do you feel their trigger is totally out of context and has nothing to do with you? Check-in and access what is actually occurring on your end before you take any action step.

If a fight is breaking out in the moment, you can check-out and wait to address the issues when you feel ready. Acting out of pure emotion is usually never a good idea. Allow the energy knots to work themselves out in YOU and then let the course of action flow naturally from the energy release.

Once you have accessed the emotions you feel, ask yourself what you need to feel better. Do you feel you self love 2need to apologize? Often we apologize when we don’t feel we’ve done anything wrong — we do it to make the other person feel better, and that will never be enough to heal their trigger.

Make sure you actually WANT to apologize and mean it sincerely. It is NOT your responsibility to take care of other people’s triggers or emotions – that’s their job. Your job is to take care of yours. Immediately jumping in to rescue others from their pain only gives them the message that it’s your job, often fueling the belief they have of being emotionally incapable.

Take whatever action steps you feel are right for YOU, then try this small meditative affirmation to redirect your focus to an energy stream that fuels solutions, rather than the problem:

 “I release myself from the focus of [name person] attention and allow them to feel what they feel and continue on their healing journey. I send [name person] a soothing balm to comfort the energy line of this particular stream of focus between us that I am now disconnecting from. I also release them from the focus of my wounded attention, and give myself balm of comfort and self-love where my trigger point ignited. I believe we are capable of taking care of ourselves and I feel the power of our self-love. I choose to see [name person] as powerfully FREE, capable of self-healing, and on the path of joy, as I Am. This is the only focus I will fuel between us at this time. Every other emotion that arises I will allow to flow without judgment or attachment. I am thankful for the opportunity this contrast has given us to grow in our own strength and wisdom. I am thankful for the lessons my emotions are teaching me. I am free.”

Keep your focus directed on self-soothing rather than fixing anyone or anything. Say this affirmation as much as you feel you need to – every time you feel your focus going toward blaming or feeling victimized. This is true energetic alchemy.

Happy Monday!

Monday’s Magic: Soothing the Emotional Body

A Daily Affirmation for Self-Soothing

I Am – Letting go of my self-concept

Today I see and validate that I Am – and that is more than enough. love energy3

I allow my emotions to flow like a powerful river and I thank them for being my allies in this experience in the physical.

I Am a powerful creator and I know my thoughts and emotions are creating the reality I see before me

Therefore I direct my focus inward – to the causal plane.

I embrace the tremendous power of the NOW and choose to bring 100% of my focus into the present moment.

In this moment I embrace and accept all that I feel, and I choose to direct my focus in flow of relief/validation/and self-love – in a way that gives to my emotional body a deep soothing comfort.

I acknowledge that my emotions are my superpower, and I choose to listen to their wise counsel, always bringing in the Wisdom of my Higher Self to help decide the best course of action for my moment.

This moment is eternal as I am eternal. There are no limitations and no time rush. I have time to feel how I feel and give myself what I need. There is space for me to bask in the delicious and soothing energy of self-care.

love energyI know that through this self-care, I will be more whole, more powerful, more creative, more authentic, more compassionate, and a wiser human.

By allowing myself to FEEL I am causing the expansion of the entire Universe – letting All that *is* be apart of my unique perspective.

It is an honor to be in this human body and feel my way through this existence. I am eternally grateful for this power that has been bestowed on me in this moment, and I choose to use it to the fullest potential of each and every *now* the Universe offers me.

I trust the Love of the Existence and receive in it the deepest parts of my soul, in all the places that have lost hope or feel fear. I allow unconditional LOVE to heal all of me, to be present with me in every moment with every emotion.

I will never abandonment myself again, but will do my best to show up and be present to my emotions, trusting in the wisdom of the Universe to guide me into Joy.

I give myself grace. I forgive everyone, everywhere, in all timelines, especially myself.

I receive the moment and all that it has to offer. I am free.

2015: The Year of Invincibility

Happy New Year, family!

I’m calling it the year of invincibility because that seems to be the vibration we’re all anchoring in. 2014 we learned how to manifest, we healed old beliefs and trauma, and we learned how to say “yes!’ to us (which often meant saying “no” to others).

This year is all about strengthening our vibrational boarders, activating our inner Djinns (Genies/Genius/Magicians) and vibrationsbringing forth the kingdom within us. We are becoming Masters of Polarity – we no longer live in a world where polarities exist to enslave us, but rather to strengthen us – to make our journeys more exquisite.

In the Chinese calendar, it is the Year of the Ram (or Goat). With the Ram as our ally, we can make incredible breakthroughs in our inner strength. Old habits and patterns we’ve been in for years will be released this year. We are stepping into our power as the creators we are.

Many are also calling this time “the return of Christ.” Christ is returning in our hearts – in a way that is unprecedented. It’s the return of true, Universal love – the union of our humanity with a true knowledge of our Oneness with God. When we step into this knowledge (as Christ did) we will begin to see the meaning of Jesus’s words when he said “…you will do even greater things than these…”

Stepping into our creative power means nothing more than mastering ourselves. By mastering our inner worlds, our external world will reflect that change, and it starts NOW. NOW is all that is and is where ALL of our power is held. If we surrender our power to the future, we will NEVER attain it.

Although 2015 consists of 12 months, it is all one continuous moment. Rather than making goals about things you will achieve this year, decide to receive the power of the moment. Choose right now how you want your moment to feel and anchor in those vibrations – then make a commitment to yourself to continually enhance and fuel those vibrations with thoughts, emotions, and most importantly, FOCUS, that will help strengthen your vibrational boarders.

Activating your invincibility is about just that – strengthening vibrations. We know this is a vibrational universe – that every thought, emotion, sound, and even inanimate object has a frequency to it. We also know that like frequencies match like frequencies. Make sure everything that surrounds you is in harmony with the kind of vibration you want in your life. This is not about striving for change or to make things “better” — it’s about receiving all the love and perfection that is available to you RIGHT NOW — in Tquantum-energy-healingHIS moment. It’s an act of surrender, as well as a practice in focus.

What is the vibration of the music you listen to? The movies you watch? The thoughts you continually think? The people you spend the most time with? The books you read? The decorations in your house? The food you eat? Those things powerfully contribute to the overall vibration you hold and what you are a match to. Once you clear out the old, it is important to continuously fuel the new – this is how you strengthen your vibrational boarders. This is how you assure that you will no longer be a match to old behaviors, habits, and situations.

Healing triggers points on the emotional body is one of the most important steps in strengthening your vibrational boarders, but how to best do that will be different for each person. Tune-in to how you feel. Care more about how you feel than anything else. This is crucial.

Make a choice this year to be a Master of polarity – a master of your own vibrations. Activate your inner genie (or magician) and make the choice to strengthen the vibrations in your life that bring you freedom, remembering that this hologram is PERFECT. You don’t need to change the world – you only need to decide what you want to create and step into it vibrationally. Line-up with your inner freedom and you will step into the power of your own invincibility.

Happy 2015! Make magic!

Adonai!

Monday’s Magic: The Power of Receiving Self-Care

For the past 3 months I’ve been contemplating the energies of giving and receiving. Not just because these are the yinyangenergies of the sacral chakra (one of the most traumatized and blocked chakras for most people in our earth journey) but because really, if you pay attention, their essence is identical. Giving and receiving are really just different sides of the same coin — you can’t have one without the other. If we don’t allow ourselves to receive, we have nothing to give, and if we don’t give, we don’t have room to receive. It moves. The painful part of either side is when we stop the flow.

The Universe has been challenging me to receive more. Receive self-love, self-care, wisdom, guidance, and understanding of the opposites in my life (particularly the opposites that have brought the most pain).

Loosing my mother was one of them — probably the most painful trauma of my life. And it wasn’t just her death — it was all the trauma surrounding her death: watching cancer eat her alive, being left in the dark about what was *really* going on (I was only 12), having to move in with my dad (whom I didn’t really know), and worst of all, being molested by a family friend while this was all happening.

I’ve spent over 8 years in therapy just trying to process that trauma — which felt like one dramatic kick from the Universe all at once — and all aimed at my lower chakras (my ability to survive in this world).

Recently, my aunt died. She was my mom’s sister and the last of my mom’s entire family. She’s also basically filled the role of my mom since she my mother died, and while she never tried to replace her, she was there. She existed.

I thought I was prepared for her death. She was sick and we knew it was coming for awhile — but when it happened it felt like a finality I was not expecting. My Uncle (her brother) died a week before her, and that was it. All my mom’s family gone. It was not just an end to my aunt’s life, but it felt like an ending to everything about my mother.

All the houses we lived in when she was alive are torn down. Even the place she worked for 15 years is gone. It feels like the memory of her has been wiped off the face of the earth, and my aunt’s death was the final nail in the coffin.

And I was heart broken.

When my mom died I wasn’t allowed to grieve. I didn’t know how, and neither did anyone around me. All my siblings were in love energy3too much shock — too much grief. And my father’s way of coping was to act like nothing happened. He took me and my sister to a movie on the day of her death (Aladin), and while I know his heart was to get our minds off things, it felt to me like he was saying, “It’s just an ordinary day. We have to move on and keep living — there is no time for your feelings.” Something in me died that day.

On the day my aunt died a similar situation happened — a family baby shower was the same day, and due to certain circumstances the decision was made by family members to still have the shower. And while it was nobody’s fault and just the way the cards were dealt, I felt like, once again, the world around me was saying “you don’t get to grieve. just put on a smile and act like nothing happened.”

I couldn’t do it. Something within me rose up like a red hot flame — all the anger I have ever felt in my life — all the injustice of a world that doesn’t seem to leave any room for grief — every thing inside of me refused to let it happen again — refused to not allow the grief to matter. Everything in me was screaming inside: “NO! I GET TO GRIEVE! HOW I FEEL MATTERS…I REFUSE TO ABANDON MYSELF AGAIN!” And I didn’t go. I couldn’t go. I was in too much of an emotional trigger and the last thing I wanted to do was go to a baby shower with 30 people I didn’t know and pretend to be happy.

Inevitably people’s feelings got hurt. But I was past the point of no return. I was in too much of my own trigger/pain to care. I still don’t have the ability to put any energy toward that — though I logically care about people’s feelings, I have NO emotional validation to give. And to be honest, I’m proud of myself. I feel that if I would have swallowed my feelings and went, I would have re-triggered one of the most painful experiences in my life — I would have abandoned my emotions and given-in to the external world, agreeing with the message that how I feel doesn’t matter.

Something has shifted in me since I made that decision. Not only did I show up for myself and give myself what I needed, I have fiercely protected and defended it — I have refused on EVERY level to feel guilty about my decision. I simply won’t do it. Guilt, after all, is the emotion that blocks the sacral chakra — affecting our ability to give and receive. I knew that if I allowed guilt to be apart of my experience, I would not be able to receive the healing needed.

And somewhere in that red hot flame of self-protection, I’ve learned how much the Universe loves me. I decided to take my own advice and ask myself every day — every 5 minutes, really, how I feel and what I need. And the answer has been space. So I’ve given it to myself. I’ve spent nearly 3 weeks in almost total isolation (minus the occasional talk with a friend or family member).

In this time, I have received more healing, more love, more understanding, more comfort, and more inner-strength than I quantum-energy-healingEVER have in my entire life. And although from the outside it may seem like I’m avoiding people, not being there for others who are grieving, what I’m really doing is embracing all the inner needs and depths of my trauma I have avoided up to this point (so that I will have something to give when the time is right). I am re-establishing trust with myself and beginning to really believe it when I say “I will never abandon you again.”

Thank God for the ability to receive. Thank God for self-care and self love. These past 3 weeks have restored me to a new level of inner-peace and strength — and it has given me the time and focus to heal a deeply buried wound.

So this must be what the tipping point feels like. I am here, where I feel like I can come out of my cocoon and give back — move all the energy I have received. I have drank deeply from the nourishment of God’s peace and comfort. And I’ve done so without guilt. That’s the best part of receiving — when we can do so FREELY.

It’s amazing, really, the way this hologram gives us continuous opportunities to heal old wounds by having similar circumstances occur again and again until we are finally able to receive the healing. But we can only receive healing by giving ourselves permission to do so — permission to matter.

I feel a new peace. My mother feels closer than ever — because I’ve finally allowed myself to receive her. I received her presence these past three weeks, and I’ve said goodbye to my aunt, more thankful than ever for what she was to me while she was here.

Thanks for loving and supporting me right where I am. Thanks for not putting me on pedestal and making me have to be anything I am not. And thank you for being honestly where YOU are. We all are where we are, and that is perfection.

This New Year, commit to giving yourself the gift of self-love. Receive ALL the Universe has for you in THIS moment, so you have something truly of substance to give back. Let 2015 be a year of truly giving and receiving all the gifts of Source.

Have a magical Monday!

The Universe Speaks to YOU: Listen

As I’ve learned to tune-in and pay attention to the more subtle energies around and within me, I’m experiencing an entire new world of messages from the Universe.

We’ve been trained since infancy on what to pay attention to in this world (and what to ignore). Because of this, we miss a lot.

Lately, I’ve been paying attention – close attention to all the energy around me. I look at things longer than usual and rather than scan for the most “relevant” and cognitive information (like I was trained to do), I now look for the more subtle – I pay attention to how something makes me feel and follow the stream of vibrations that feel the best in those moments. This never fails to lead me into unexpected epiphanies or direct downloads from my Higher Self.

I’m getting much better at seeing signs I’d usually miss – or am I creating them? I don’t really know. But I am noticing that the Universe (God) is communicating to me ALL THE TIME through the world around me – often in the most unexpected ways.

Here are three recent messages that seemed to come out of nowhere: photo(4)

While taking a shower I noticed (for the FIRST time) a tag on a towel I’ve used at least 100 times “Find Inspiration in Your World” — this just happened to occur at the moment I was asking the Universe to help me find a way to express my creativity more.

Later, the same day, while sitting on the couch (in a spot I have sat in at least a dozen times) I felt my inner-self still, the way I feel just before hearing the voice of God and I knew to pay attention. Only seconds before I had a fleeting thought run through photo(3)my head “maybe I don’t really have much to offer the world…” but when the stillness came, I knew to pay attention. My eyes just happened to look down and I saw on the side of the computer (of all places) this sticker (which “apparently” has been there all along – though I’d never seen it – nor had my sister who bought the computer and set it up: “Beautiful. Inside and Out.” Since when has HP put that message on the side of their computers?! I knew it was the Universe, once more, speaking to me, in the most unexpected ways.

Just before going to bed the same day, I was watering the Christmas tree and noticed an ornament that I had nephoto(5)ver seen before. It was a golden, sparkling hummingbird, and I knew right away it was another message from Spirit (and the meaning of this one was clear, as hummingbirds represent being more present in the moment, independence, playfulness, and enjoyment of life).

The message was now complete:

“Find inspiration in the world. Know you are beautiful inside and out. Be present in the moment, play, and enjoy your life. This is how you will express who you are to the world.”

I love the way the Universe speaks.

We know this Universe is one of vibrations. Anything you feel at any given moment WILL be reflected in a physical way through this hologram. The truth is, we could get any message we want to receive from the Universe, but why not ask/feel for the message that puts you into the greatest alignment with your Higher Self? And when the messages you receive don’t feel so good, remember it is only a reflection of an internal vibration. You’re not failing, you’re feeling. This is your learning tool. Use it wisely.

Because of immense expansion this “Universal decoding” has given to my intuitive abilities, I decided to do a section on hearing and de-coding messages from the Universe in my Healing and Empowering the Emotional Body class. I think it’s one of the most fun aspects of being on this planet!

Happy Sunday!

Happy Winter Solstice: Bring Back the Treasures of Darkness!

Can you feel it? We’re Shifting in life-altering ways. As we’ve put our focus on empowering ourselves/taking back our energy/untangling our thoughts and emotions from other people and giving ourselves what we need to be healthy and thrive, a certain inner clarity is arising. The Universal OM is emerging from our inner-most places of darkness.

In my experience, it feels like my inner Shaman is unusually active and helping me go through some of the deepest realms midwinter-magic-260of my subconscious fears. These Shamanic journeys into my own inner realms have also shown me the vibrational boarders of many of my defense mechanisms (after all, we have come to realize that much of our “empathic ability” developed as a form of survival in this world). In other words, I’ve been exploring/healing/and integrating trigger points on my emotional body, and to be honest, there have been moments where it is scary as f**k!

BUT, through all of this, I am finding my inner-strength — the Goddess — the Mother and protector of the sacred realms of emotions, the Wise Crone, the Hag — all the treasures of my inner-world (the Underworld) and all the most valuable secrets of femininity. I can honestly say I am going through a level of empowerment that I have NEVER felt in this lifetime. Ever. It is amazing and terrifying all at the same time. The Universe is asking me to redefine all of my relationships, to evaluate my sense of worth, and to “unplug” as much as humanly possible from diving into other people’s emotional bodies. It is only in THIS way that I am TRULY seeing who I am, what I *really* feel, and what I truly need.

I am strengthening my vibrational boarders — meaning ANY vibrational resonances that is close/similar to past relational tendencies I am healing, clearing, shifting out of (and sometimes, even having to lay the smack down with).

During one mediation I saw a black leopard come out of me — a power animal aspect that I have LONG suppressed (and black panthershe’s SO badass — with a type of strength and sense of personal boundaries that I was unable to access until now). When she came out, she stretched (the way cats do) and then started “patrolling” my vibrational boarders. A few times old vibrations (tendencies/relational stuff) have come-up — and she just knocks them out — the way a cat will bat things out of their way. She gracefully and unapologetically says “No. You don’t belong here.” I have felt so empowered by her presence — so inspired by her grace and form.

This is what we’re doing. We’re waking up. We’re connecting to our inner-strength (and our MAGIC). We’re healing. And we’re changing — for the better. For the SHIFT.

I’ll be talking a lot more about vibrational boarders in my Healing and Empowering the Emotional Body” class, and sharing how I have accessed my inner Shaman, working with power animals to go into our “otherworlds,” and empowering ourselves through our OWN emotional bodies (taking our focus back). I feel this is THE MOST IMPORTANT work I’ve done to date in my life and I’m curious to hear how it’s going for all of you, too.

I’ll do a video on this in the next day or so. In the meantime I just wanted to share a bit about my travels through my inner-dimensions — and I’m bringing back with me all the treasures of darkness.

Happy Solstice!

Monday’s Magic : A Creation Spell

Try this on for your next conscious creation:

*Stretch to release any old energy stuck in joints/muscles (any creation energyarea of the body that feels tight or contracted).

*Vigorously move the body for 5 minutes (running in place, jumping jacks, push-ups — whatever feels intuitively in alignment with releasing stagnate/pent-up energy in the body).

*Take 6 deep, cleansing breaths, raising the arms above the head with each inhale, and back down to your sides at each exhale .

*Get in a comfortable, meditative position with your spine straight and visualize a bright, purifying light cleansing all internal/external chakras and the auric field around you (this is a clearing of any energy that may block or interfere with your creation — clear spaces are crucial).

*With the eyes closed, focus on the 3rd eye chakra and see it as a blank canvas for your creation.

*Project (or paint) onto that canvas whatever you want to have manifest into your 3d reality. Make the image as vivid and colorful as you can. Feel it. Taste it. Experience it as if it were happening at this exact moment (because it is!). Take as long as you need with this step — this is where the magic blossoms.

*When you feel you are done “painting” your creation onto the canvas of your third eye, imagine a ball of pure white light swirling up from the heart of the deepest ocean caverns, and another ball of white light descending from the highest heavens — the Source of all Sources. Both balls of white Source energy are moving into your body (one from below, the other from above). One moves through your crown chakra down to your 3rd eye, the other moves in through your root chakra and up into your 3rd eye.

*See both balls of spinning white light blend with the canvas you painted on your third eye, arranging it into many particles, molecules — all the necessary elements of the physical reality it is forming.

*Once you feel all the elements have blended together into one creation energy2beautiful vortex, send the energy back down through all of your chakras, and up again into your heart chakra, where it becomes alchemicalized with the Kingdom that is within. This is where you trust in the Higher Love and Wisdom of the Existence to add/take away any and all necessary elements. Stay with the image of the energy in your heart chakra until you feel it has completely dissolved and harmonized with your etheric and physical body.

*Acknowledge and surrender to the perfection of this hologram and the brilliance of its ability to reflect back to you exactly where you are in your expansion journey. Accept your journey with no judgement — remember you are perfect.

*Finally, feel your heart chakra burst wide open with the love and excitement of this co-creation, shinning all you have created into the physical world around you. Know that this energy carries within it a magnetism that will bring your creation into manifestation.

And so it is with you…

 

 

Empowering Empaths and Magic Workers to thrive!

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