For the past 3 months I’ve been contemplating the energies of giving and receiving. Not just because these are the energies of the sacral chakra (one of the most traumatized and blocked chakras for most people in our earth journey) but because really, if you pay attention, their essence is identical. Giving and receiving are really just different sides of the same coin — you can’t have one without the other. If we don’t allow ourselves to receive, we have nothing to give, and if we don’t give, we don’t have room to receive. It moves. The painful part of either side is when we stop the flow.
The Universe has been challenging me to receive more. Receive self-love, self-care, wisdom, guidance, and understanding of the opposites in my life (particularly the opposites that have brought the most pain).
Loosing my mother was one of them — probably the most painful trauma of my life. And it wasn’t just her death — it was all the trauma surrounding her death: watching cancer eat her alive, being left in the dark about what was *really* going on (I was only 12), having to move in with my dad (whom I didn’t really know), and worst of all, being molested by a family friend while this was all happening.
I’ve spent over 8 years in therapy just trying to process that trauma — which felt like one dramatic kick from the Universe all at once — and all aimed at my lower chakras (my ability to survive in this world).
Recently, my aunt died. She was my mom’s sister and the last of my mom’s entire family. She’s also basically filled the role of my mom since she my mother died, and while she never tried to replace her, she was there. She existed.
I thought I was prepared for her death. She was sick and we knew it was coming for awhile — but when it happened it felt like a finality I was not expecting. My Uncle (her brother) died a week before her, and that was it. All my mom’s family gone. It was not just an end to my aunt’s life, but it felt like an ending to everything about my mother.
All the houses we lived in when she was alive are torn down. Even the place she worked for 15 years is gone. It feels like the memory of her has been wiped off the face of the earth, and my aunt’s death was the final nail in the coffin.
And I was heart broken.
When my mom died I wasn’t allowed to grieve. I didn’t know how, and neither did anyone around me. All my siblings were in too much shock — too much grief. And my father’s way of coping was to act like nothing happened. He took me and my sister to a movie on the day of her death (Aladin), and while I know his heart was to get our minds off things, it felt to me like he was saying, “It’s just an ordinary day. We have to move on and keep living — there is no time for your feelings.” Something in me died that day.
On the day my aunt died a similar situation happened — a family baby shower was the same day, and due to certain circumstances the decision was made by family members to still have the shower. And while it was nobody’s fault and just the way the cards were dealt, I felt like, once again, the world around me was saying “you don’t get to grieve. just put on a smile and act like nothing happened.”
I couldn’t do it. Something within me rose up like a red hot flame — all the anger I have ever felt in my life — all the injustice of a world that doesn’t seem to leave any room for grief — every thing inside of me refused to let it happen again — refused to not allow the grief to matter. Everything in me was screaming inside: “NO! I GET TO GRIEVE! HOW I FEEL MATTERS…I REFUSE TO ABANDON MYSELF AGAIN!” And I didn’t go. I couldn’t go. I was in too much of an emotional trigger and the last thing I wanted to do was go to a baby shower with 30 people I didn’t know and pretend to be happy.
Inevitably people’s feelings got hurt. But I was past the point of no return. I was in too much of my own trigger/pain to care. I still don’t have the ability to put any energy toward that — though I logically care about people’s feelings, I have NO emotional validation to give. And to be honest, I’m proud of myself. I feel that if I would have swallowed my feelings and went, I would have re-triggered one of the most painful experiences in my life — I would have abandoned my emotions and given-in to the external world, agreeing with the message that how I feel doesn’t matter.
Something has shifted in me since I made that decision. Not only did I show up for myself and give myself what I needed, I have fiercely protected and defended it — I have refused on EVERY level to feel guilty about my decision. I simply won’t do it. Guilt, after all, is the emotion that blocks the sacral chakra — affecting our ability to give and receive. I knew that if I allowed guilt to be apart of my experience, I would not be able to receive the healing needed.
And somewhere in that red hot flame of self-protection, I’ve learned how much the Universe loves me. I decided to take my own advice and ask myself every day — every 5 minutes, really, how I feel and what I need. And the answer has been space. So I’ve given it to myself. I’ve spent nearly 3 weeks in almost total isolation (minus the occasional talk with a friend or family member).
In this time, I have received more healing, more love, more understanding, more comfort, and more inner-strength than I EVER have in my entire life. And although from the outside it may seem like I’m avoiding people, not being there for others who are grieving, what I’m really doing is embracing all the inner needs and depths of my trauma I have avoided up to this point (so that I will have something to give when the time is right). I am re-establishing trust with myself and beginning to really believe it when I say “I will never abandon you again.”
Thank God for the ability to receive. Thank God for self-care and self love. These past 3 weeks have restored me to a new level of inner-peace and strength — and it has given me the time and focus to heal a deeply buried wound.
So this must be what the tipping point feels like. I am here, where I feel like I can come out of my cocoon and give back — move all the energy I have received. I have drank deeply from the nourishment of God’s peace and comfort. And I’ve done so without guilt. That’s the best part of receiving — when we can do so FREELY.
It’s amazing, really, the way this hologram gives us continuous opportunities to heal old wounds by having similar circumstances occur again and again until we are finally able to receive the healing. But we can only receive healing by giving ourselves permission to do so — permission to matter.
I feel a new peace. My mother feels closer than ever — because I’ve finally allowed myself to receive her. I received her presence these past three weeks, and I’ve said goodbye to my aunt, more thankful than ever for what she was to me while she was here.
Thanks for loving and supporting me right where I am. Thanks for not putting me on pedestal and making me have to be anything I am not. And thank you for being honestly where YOU are. We all are where we are, and that is perfection.
This New Year, commit to giving yourself the gift of self-love. Receive ALL the Universe has for you in THIS moment, so you have something truly of substance to give back. Let 2015 be a year of truly giving and receiving all the gifts of Source.
Have a magical Monday!