Somewhere in the world right now, a man is approaching a woman at a bar. He desires connection with her, and depending on his makeup, he may see her as a conquest, a status symbol, a mystery to be solved, a terrifying prospect, a potential partner with whom to create and experience joy and beauty…
Whether he knows it or not, what surrounds this seemingly simple and common act contains within it entrance points to a profoundly spiritual quest.
For readers of a blog such as Chakra Center, this interaction may more likely see a juice bar as the backdrop (I dig that, too.) Regardless, I don’t think former punk rocker and occultist Vadge Moore was exaggerating when he stated at the end of this article:
The way to true enlightenment was also the way to life. Sex is the basis of all things. The uniting of opposites is the secret of the world.
Volumes could be written and debated on that. We’re going to focus particularly on some of the ways this is all navigated by men (since my resume states that I am one).
Please note, while I’m talking largely about heterosexual men, this article is for everyone. And of course these polarities and their attendant challenges and lessons still exist within GLBT individuals as well. The energy is just situated differently than in a heterosexual individual.
As our springboard I will, however, turn to something decidedly for men (but when functioning at its higher levels, seeks to serve and celebrate women just as much.):
“The Seduction Community.”
For some this may be old news, but in case it’s not: there’s a large amount of teachers and schools of thought offering literature, seminars, videos and workshops that break down external techniques and/or internal belief re-structurings that seek to make men “better” with women. It’s an industry that has exploded in the Internet age.
A few years ago, a friend passed along some of the material to me, and while I meandered through this world (which of course contains much ridiculousness), I eventually discovered the more noble and higher-level expressions it. The current Wikipedia page on the term “seduction community” dismisses most of the ideas as based in “pseudo-science,” (given the personalities that article focuses on, that may well be the case) and talks about the more base “pick up” aspects of it.
A quick Google search on the topic will likely yield the lowest denominator. Please know that there’s people out there like Zan Perrion and his whole raison d’être, and that’s what I personally have found value and inspiration in.
Truly, the upper echelons and outer periphery of “the seduction community” is not really about seduction in the old sense of the word (and often, thankfully, not even called that), but rather holistic psychological, emotional and spiritual maturity for men. I sat, fascinated, through long videos going deep into human psychology from the likes of people such as Dr. Geoffrey Miller.
If I could boil down the material that resonated with me into a credo it would be:
Become so well-rounded, so at peace and happy with yourself, that you will naturally just attract and be attracted to exceptional women.
If a man paid for this stuff just wanting pickup lines, he’d be in for an absolute shock.
My reason in mentioning all this: as with anything, the very existence of this scene is a symptom of something deeper, a need looking to be met.
In part it reflects the confusion and chaos that precedes changing paradigms, which in this case is about the changing nature of sexuality and masculine/feminine dynamics. For men in particular, it demonstrates a severe lack of guidance and role models in recent decades (you’ll hear that repeated again and again in these circles).
A weekend night out in any major city, or surfing the TV channels, will affirm that there’s no shortage of men out there who are long on testosterone but short on maturity. The Unhinged Masculine. However, perhaps like never before in recent cultural memory, there’s also the disenfranchised, emasculated, or at best neutral man. The Stilted Masculine.
I was not alive until the end of the twentieth century, but I have never heard anything to counter the complaint that something about men is definitely not what it used to be (as noted in books like Boys Adrift). That’s not to say that I propose we return to the social mores of the 1950s. But please follow me down the rabbit hole for a moment.
You have feminist Camille Paglia in this NY Times article pointing out that:
…visually, American men remain perpetual boys, as shown by the bulky T-shirts, loose shorts and sneakers they wear from preschool through midlife. The sexes, which used to occupy intriguingly separate worlds, are suffering from over-familiarity, a curse of the mundane. There’s no mystery left.
You have a trend in movies (Knocked Up, Our Idiot Brother) where men are portrayed as childish buffoons. Of course those movies wouldn’t exist if these trends didn’t exist in society first. The bumbling dad is a sitcom staple.
And perhaps as a salve to such things, there’s people such as Zan Perrion and his acolytes creating salon events for men in bars and lounges around the world (women are encouraged to attend) that invite people thusly:
We host these salons because we love the conversation– we love talking about the subject– the subject that everyone is fascinated by but everyone seems to avoid. Everywhere we go people want the same thing: to be themselves and be loved for it, and everywhere we go we spread light as to how.
Much of modern life has been politically correct-isized and anesthetized. I do believe that men and women (and everyone and thing in between) are ultimately more similar than different, and in the grandest sense, that’s the most important thing to remember.
Nonetheless, we’re still here to experience and enjoy this reality. For most people, whether they care to admit it or not, one of the finest enjoyments is that sweet tension that exists when we can fully share, interact, enjoy, and grow with those of the opposite sex (or shall we say, those aligned in an energetic polarity different yet complementary to our own). We tease out and activate each other’s essences.
As the French say, “vive la différence.”
I recently discovered this article by Drew Gerald on the age old “why girls like jerks” question. In it he summizes that the stereotypical “jerk” at least displays masculine traits. And on an unconscious, gut level (because really, that’s where it all initially happens), those masculine traits flip the attraction switches in a woman– even if those masculine traits are expressed in a very skewed manner.
Some masculinity, in this case, is “better” than none.
The girl or woman who has the wherewithal to know better nonetheless cannot intellectually make herself attracted to “nice” but emasculated males she encounters. Thus she may sit at home, frustrated.
So what’s all this mean for the man on the path of the heart, a seeker of wisdom, an evolutionary?
Being spiritual doesn’t necessarily mean you get to circumvent all of this and what it brings up. And please watch out for the trappings of what you may think it means to be “spiritual.” You could be robbing yourself of the way masculine energy can fully express through and as you.
If you’ll allow me to submit a little anecdotal evidence for consideration, I know several women who participate in or even make their livings from things spiritual, and they nonetheless echo what a lot of women everywhere lament:
“Where are the real men?”
Some of these women devoted to spirituality decided to marry men whose closest thing to a spiritual experience would be seeing their favorite team win the Super Bowl.
Of course there’s nothing wrong with that on its own (in fact I’m about to watch the Super Bowl myself)…but put in this context, it’s a fascinating challenge that some people cannot share one of the biggest and most important parts of their lives with their own spouses.
So the question can become: how to integrate and better enjoy our own inner masculine? And how will that synergize with our feminine energies as well, leading to a place of great power, purpose, and balance?
Again, I refer to Zan Perrion, who wisely pointed out this possible path of growth for a man in the dating world, which I’ll paraphrase. It’s an allegory for all sorts of things:
-At first a man tries to “get the girl” by being super nice, conciliatory, buying candy, flowers etc. If he gets a date, he buys the expensive wine and glances at her, hoping she’s impressed, wondering how he’s “doing.” He’s not really bringing himself into the equation. She just wants to be friends. Her feminine romantic desires remain unmoved. His kindness is weakness.
-Frustrated, the man changes his approach, learns some tips and techniques. Maybe he’s built up a wall, so he does his own thing more, he seems a little tougher, and lo and behold, he starts attracting more women. Maybe this works for a while, but eventually, something in him knows he’s not being all he can, and he yearns for something truer. He’s projecting false, rootless strength as compensation.
-Having gone through a journey, he then knows himself more, and simply wants to enjoy his life, lets go and freely offers to share himself. He again buys the expensive wine on a date, but this time, it’s simply because that’s what he likes, and he delights in his date’s appreciation of the wine equally. There’s an implicit vibe that he’s wholly enjoying himself as he moves through the world, and the woman who catches his eye is invited to join that celebration. His kindness is supported by inner strength.
The first and third points may look similar on an exterior level to the untrained eye–but the subtle differences of energy, belief, and self-perception that undergird them make a significant difference, one that is intuitively palpable to many women.
Indeed, this idea of extreme opposites at first appearing to be the same–say, the fool and the sage–is one I find to be extremely useful in facilitating discernment.
Now, do men need to go through that middle phase of being jaded or jerky? Of course not. Somehow in some way, however, transformation beckons.
So here again, we find the mechanics and the language of a spiritual quest. That woman (or man) you long to talk to, to connect with, to just have a chance to get to know–and really how you approach that whole situation– is one of life’s biggest and boldest reflections of your own powers and vulnerabilities.
Your own grail of self-actualization could lie in walking through this flame.
Some of the higher level material about male empowerment discusses bringing into balance the different archetypes that exist within men (similar material exists for women as well). You’ll often see a quadrant drawn, with each one representing the archetypes of King, Warrior, Magician, and Lover. There are several different versions of this.
Someone who voluntarily joins the army would obviously be skewed more Warrior, whereas someone who always knows how to get out of compromising situations using his humor would be more Magician. The idea is to recognize where your nature and nurturing lead you, and cultivate in yourself the opposite energies in order to bring yourself into better balance.
So to the guys who do yoga, or are vegan treehuggers, or watch Spirit Science (I’m currently most of those): am I saying you should go sign up for boxing classes? Not unless you really want to of course.
But cultivate it somehow.
If you’re walking the path of the heart, seeking the wisdom of Source–imagine the power that is possible when you add what we’re talking about here, in whatever ways you see fit?
It won’t be simply base and primal if you’ve already been awakening your compassionate and intuitive natures. Rather, that primordial male essence will be transposed when it chemicalizes and interacts with those beautiful traits you’ve already developed.
What we’re talking about here is what we all seek: Wholeness.
Ergo: there’s no need to shrink from the “masculine” in Divine Masculine.
Also, consider: we hear about integrating/finding our “inner feminine” quite often.
First, it needs to be tempered and properly balanced with your native masculinity.
Second, recognize that it’s also outside of you. Truly connecting with, appreciating, seeing, and being present with the women in your life is a healing and restorative act for you both. It’s at once more innocent, and yet much deeper and thrilling, than the average modern experience.
And ladies–please remember your incredible power here (I’m thinking about the plot of Lysistrata). You can set the social pace. The boys usually follow the girls (ask anyone who organizes social events). When you acquiesce to men whose standards and behaviors you find you’ve already grown past, you perpetuate the existence of those standards and behavior.
Men have their own way of doing this too. We can all create a positive feedback loop through our standards and what we expect, ask of, and offer those we seek to connect with.
All of this brings me back to one of the most wrestled with concepts for spiritual types:
It’s a hot button: many people are either unconsciously being used by Duality, trying to navigate it wisely, or trying to transcend it altogether. I like to live in the fulcrum between the latter two. I currently subscribe to the notion that you have to go through duality in order to transcend it. Thesis-Antithesis-Synthesis. That’s what I take away from the quote in the beginning of this article brought to us by Vadge Moore (pseudonyms aside).
Thus, unless you’re called to a monastic life, you’re going to have to deal with the male-female balances in and around you at some point.
Who knows the reality of other, non-dual dimensions? I’ve had whiffs, but nonetheless, I wake up every day in this universe of positive and negative magnetic/electrical forces, yin and yang, male and female.
That’s why I’ve felt it a benefit to integrate the approaches of the more enlightened lovers and romantics into my framework. Incidentally, they’ll often advise other men to get out of their own heads and into the intuitive–sometimes becoming more of a man means accessing more of your feminine gifts. One affects the other. It’s all very dynamic.
I believe that when we’re talking about the Divine Feminine and Divine Masculine (as opposed to the unbalanced iterations of each), the intense focus on the differences, the feeling of a stark polarity, fades. It may still be there– it’s just not as big of a deal. And a lot easier to enjoy that way.
The planetary energies on Earth currently scream at us to pay attention to male/female dynamics only because they have been so grossly imbalanced, and need attention.
My vision is that we come out the other side of this time of re-calibration with the best of both worlds.
This means: more fluidity, openness and respect. A wider range of accepted relationship dynamics, and the complete loving acceptance of various sexual preferences. And yet…more clarity, groundedness and peace surrounding all of it. Notice how much more feminine all that sounds when compared to what’s been the status quo. The world needs to become more feminine. But part and parcel of that is having a lot of integrated, balanced men in it.
And yes, I do sense the potentials of moving into expanded experiences of synthesis, moving beyond polarity, the yin-yang-yuan, Triality in all of this.
Whatever shall come to pass, as we evolve further through it all, humanity won’t have need to fret as much over the masculine/feminine spectrum, but may well continue to increasingly enjoy its expressions, in all of their richness and glory, still joyously proclaiming:
“vive la différence!”
Jared Domenico is, among other things, a musician, energy healer, and communicator. His Chakra Center column, Ever Onward, often utilizes topics that are atypical to spiritual seekers as springboards to discuss transmutation and growth, and to create re-framed perspectives, more understanding, and broadened points of reference. JaredDomenico.com, which started in Feb. 2013, is where you can find him online.