I forget my emotions are my friends (not my enemies).
I forget contrast is here to serve me (not master me).
I forget I am worthy of love.
Coming “home” is where I typically pick up all of my old insecurities:
I’m not good enough, it would seem. I’m unworthy of truly being free.
My first response to is beat myself up. WHY?! Why in the name of all that is holy would I choose to come back to the place I feel the worst about myself? Haven’t I learned my lesson? Why would I do this to my emotional body?!
If I follow that line of thought, the only conclusion I come to is that I am powerless over my emotions and I will always be stuck here – rooted in trauma and fear.
But I know being “stuck” is impossible in a world of constant growth and expansion.
So I press on, guiding my focus toward a stream of thought that feels better to think.
Although feeling powerless shifts responsibility away for a bit (how I feel is caused by THIS PLACE – not me), the truth is, I know better. I know the feelings come from within. I know my thoughts are the ones in control here, not this geographic location. “Home” is a hologram built on my experiences and beliefs.
And I begin to regain power.
Oh yes. That’s right. I get to choose what to think about – where to direct my focus. What do I want to think? What will feel better than these thoughts of powerlessness?
I need to know I have my best interest at heart. I have to know God loves me enough not to abandon me in these feelings of unworthiness. I want to remember the way the Universe allows me to continually revisit deep places of conflict to give me the opportunity to heal further, to accept, love, and understand myself with more clarity. I want to develop more compassion and an unconditional presence to my emotions.
Yes. That’s it. That’s why I’m here. I needed to show up for myself – especially in these places that feel the most unacceptable.
Okay. These thoughts feel better. I feel my vibration shift. I feel more empowered. I feel more taken care of. I feel more seen and heard and loved.
Maybe I’m not abandoned.
So here I am – the genesis of my trauma. I loved myself enough to come back here, right? What do I want out of this experience? What do I need? How do I want to feel?
Perhaps I simply need to be reminded I am not alone. I Am here. God is here. Purpose is here, in this place. This is a loving place to be – a loving thing to do to myself. I need this reminder. I need to know this part of me matters.
I chose to come “home” because I wanted to show myself I care enough to strengthen the places within me that need the most unconditional love.
I chose to revisit old wounds because they asked me to bear witness to their presence – they begged not to be abandoned in the past. And I love myself enough to show up.
I am thankful I have the courage to come home. I need this part of myself for the journey.
Oh yes. I remember now. I almost forgot about the journey – the moments of love and soothing presence offered along the way. The peace found in the storms – the halleluiah chorus along the way reminding me why I chose to come into this life in the first place. This knowing is the reason – this space between pain and beauty – the place of surrender and acceptance of all things, especially the hurt.
Now I can say I am truly thankful (and mean it) for this spot on the earth called “home.” I have not failed here – this is where I had my greatest success. Here I chose to live and hurt – to love and lose and bleed and desire. This is the place I am continually led to for renewal of hope. And God meets me here, in my “weakness.” This place is where I find my greatest strength.
Here I am free.