It’s been a long time coming, as I walk my spiritual path, that I finally dared face my darkest shadow. I was born a warrior, someone more interested in talking about what everyone else didn’t want to; the counter point, the stone turner, the way show-er. I’m more interested in dissecting the “nitty gritty” just before the bliss of light and airy, but even my bravery has been brought to it’s knees. Where did I find my darkest shadow? Within relationship.
We all need a time of single soul searching. In the beginning stages of soul searching, being single can be a highly effective experience. When we retreat into the silence (or noise) of self-reflection, we can really tease apart what is going on inside. Healing past co-dependence, we get a clearer picture of ourselves, and what we want for our lives. Besides – on the path to awakening, we have plenty of cultural or familial belief systems to sift through; it’s understandable that we wish to venture alone sometimes. Most of us have been conditioned to be someone other than what we truly are, and when we find contentment in being at one with ourselves – it’s freeing. Finally, you can own your truth for what it’s worth to you and nobody else. You can stand your ground and mean it. You no longer allow yourself to be swayed, because you see your individuality as your sacred birthright. This realization is vital, but it has it’s limits, so don’t get too cozy there.
Sometimes these walls of the “single shut out” can become far more than what you originally planned. They can become hardened safety shells, formed on the idea that you will no longer let anyone hurt you, reject you, or mold you how they want you, ever again. You may feel your vulnerability was to blame for your mold-ability, and so you become protected. Now, I’m not suggesting that you let others mold you, but you cannot fully give or live your deepest gift from a partially protected heart.
I personally became a pathetic professional at being alone. I would dip my feet into mediocre relationships, so I never had to face the pain of losing myself again. Or even worse…face the fear of truly revealing myself, just to find that I don’t know myself at all. I had hello-goodbye relationships to the point of self-embarrassment. It was easier to explore the confines of my own mind, only as far as my mind had the ability to take me. It was easier to stay unchanged by the process of challenge and resolution that can arise in partnership. It felt safer not opening my heart or legs to anyone. I found just enough pleasure in my daily pursuits that allowed me to hide behind my yearning. Massaging stranger’s bodies at work, devouring new health food recipes like I was making forbidden love, silent meditation, inspired journal entries, and nightly masturbation – was my specialty. All of these things were wonderful at the time, but with eyes now, my heart was screaming one thing; “I want connection! There is more to me!”
We all have our excuses for not opening ourselves to the world or a lover. It’s easier to not be pushed past the boundaries of who you think you are, but the further your pushed, more parts of you are discovered. It’s easier to stand up to the challenge of your own mind, rather than a more uncharted challenge that a partner (better known as: your reflection) will draw out of you. They will inevitably teach you the things you are blind to, if you will look. After surrendering to love with a partner equally willing to journey, I have found that there is more to me than even I can see. And I know you will find the same.
The relationship you have with yourself is the most important one you can have, and it will continue to grow for the rest of your life. But once you have cultivated a stable relationship within, I encourage you to dive into the relationship you have with your reflections, and inevitably, with All That Is – for they always reveal your blind spots.
We are all One Spirit. There is nothing to be scared of. You are a glorious being in the mirror and beyond the mirror. Limiting yourself to “The Self” is not natural to an infinite Soul expressing itself through many faces. Every being holds a piece of you, and you them. So if you truly seek the path of self-discovery … open yourself wide, connect with another, and give yourself to the world … and you will discover much more than The Self can conceive.
“Love brings up everything unlike itself for the purpose of healing and release.” ~ A Course in Miracles
Kierstie Leavitt is a passionate indigo, determined dreamer, curious cat, intuitive massage therapist, and energy worker.